What's Your Pattern?
Dear Diary,
Have you ever considered your pattern? That is what my mentor asked me while we were drinking a bubble tea like we often do when we’re mentally strained. Have you considered your pattern? Followed by, are you being yourself? I think in order for you to fully understand what I mean I have to back up a bit.
I was sharing with my mentor my displeasure with my single season. It almost seems like a broken record, that is crazy glued to the record player so no matter how hard you try, you can’t get it off. Truth be told, I don’t often say what I’m actually thinking to other people. You are the only one who gets the brunt of what is going on in my head, that incessant broken record. But I digress, so I was talking to my mentor about this constant sadness I feel. She’s been reading a lot of books by Henry Cloud lately and so after I poured out my heart, this is what she said.
At the time I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know. But I had this epiphany while I was stewing over that question. When I was trying to get into college, I didn’t just sit and I couldn’t just go. When I was working toward my job I didn’t just sit and I couldn’t just go. That’s when it all came to me. My pattern has always been to work my hardest to be the best possible candidate for the best choice. Then at the end I tend to have options, and many times I don’t even get the choice that originally wanted. For example, I spent all of my teenage years working toward a top tier college, I basically had tunnel vision. But in a strange turn of events I ended up going to another top tier school, which turned out to be the exact right fit for me.
With my job search I was working toward law, but in the strange turn of events while I was volunteering for a firm I ended up getting a pamphlet for the organization, I currently work in and it's a perfect fit for me. I always work toward being the best possible candidate for something, doors open, I have options and then God orders my steps. THAT IS MY PATTERN. I spent so much time trying to be like my 2 mentors, but I wasn’t being myself. Their pattern is not my pattern. Their story is not my story. Their testimony is not my testimony. I have to find my own.
Okay so armed with that knowledge comes the plan. With every event in my life there was a strategic way to become the best candidate possible. So this is a 4 step plan. Spiritual, Physical, Social and Emotional. Spiritually, I have to pray for him every day and constantly seek the Lord for my own spiritual development, and discernment. Physically, I have to work toward a healthy, balanced life. It is time for me to get the victory over my poor eating habits and sporadic workouts. Socially, I need to put myself in situations where the right one can find me. I realized that part of the problem is that I never see any godly men. I go to work and then I stay home. No one is going to find me there. So that means finding a church home with the type of guy that I could see myself with and going to places like alumni functions where I can meet guys who are like minded. And finally emotionally that means getting accountability partners and also removing myself from relationships that could keep me from fully attaching to the one once he finds me. And being open to the possibility that he many not be what I want but exactly what I need. I also need to be open to allowing myself to be the real me, free of the walls I put up to keep people from hurting me. I have to be willing to be my authentic self, even at the beginning.
Now I’ve never actually said this out loud or wrote this out because I was completely scared that once I say it I will then have to live by it. But here is where there is more pressure. I actually asked God if I could give it a timeline to be a better option. So now it is time to put my money where my mouth is. I have to do my part. That’s the hard part since I often start strong and then when I get discouraged I teeter off. But I have to give it my best. Just like when I had my eye on college. I have to give it everything, and I may not get the outcome I want but I have to believe that God has the best for me, and if it doesn’t turn out the way I thought it’s because what I get is that much greater. Let's see how it goes.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
Have you ever considered your pattern? That is what my mentor asked me while we were drinking a bubble tea like we often do when we’re mentally strained. Have you considered your pattern? Followed by, are you being yourself? I think in order for you to fully understand what I mean I have to back up a bit.
I was sharing with my mentor my displeasure with my single season. It almost seems like a broken record, that is crazy glued to the record player so no matter how hard you try, you can’t get it off. Truth be told, I don’t often say what I’m actually thinking to other people. You are the only one who gets the brunt of what is going on in my head, that incessant broken record. But I digress, so I was talking to my mentor about this constant sadness I feel. She’s been reading a lot of books by Henry Cloud lately and so after I poured out my heart, this is what she said.
I know you have 2 mentors and you tend to follow the example of the other one (not going to use her name). You take her story as some sort of prototype. You try to be like her in many ways. But her testimony is specific to her. Most people don’t get together the way she and her husband did. For me, I don’t get to pray and just sit. God expects me to pray and go. I had to write 100 scholarship letters to get into college. I pray and then have to ask to raise funds for the ministry. For me when I go, that’s when things happen. For her, she often has to fast to get clarity and wait on the Lord for her answer. That’s her pattern. (here it comes) Have you considered your pattern? Are you being yourself? Or are you copying her? What’s your pattern?”
At the time I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know. But I had this epiphany while I was stewing over that question. When I was trying to get into college, I didn’t just sit and I couldn’t just go. When I was working toward my job I didn’t just sit and I couldn’t just go. That’s when it all came to me. My pattern has always been to work my hardest to be the best possible candidate for the best choice. Then at the end I tend to have options, and many times I don’t even get the choice that originally wanted. For example, I spent all of my teenage years working toward a top tier college, I basically had tunnel vision. But in a strange turn of events I ended up going to another top tier school, which turned out to be the exact right fit for me.
With my job search I was working toward law, but in the strange turn of events while I was volunteering for a firm I ended up getting a pamphlet for the organization, I currently work in and it's a perfect fit for me. I always work toward being the best possible candidate for something, doors open, I have options and then God orders my steps. THAT IS MY PATTERN. I spent so much time trying to be like my 2 mentors, but I wasn’t being myself. Their pattern is not my pattern. Their story is not my story. Their testimony is not my testimony. I have to find my own.
Okay so armed with that knowledge comes the plan. With every event in my life there was a strategic way to become the best candidate possible. So this is a 4 step plan. Spiritual, Physical, Social and Emotional. Spiritually, I have to pray for him every day and constantly seek the Lord for my own spiritual development, and discernment. Physically, I have to work toward a healthy, balanced life. It is time for me to get the victory over my poor eating habits and sporadic workouts. Socially, I need to put myself in situations where the right one can find me. I realized that part of the problem is that I never see any godly men. I go to work and then I stay home. No one is going to find me there. So that means finding a church home with the type of guy that I could see myself with and going to places like alumni functions where I can meet guys who are like minded. And finally emotionally that means getting accountability partners and also removing myself from relationships that could keep me from fully attaching to the one once he finds me. And being open to the possibility that he many not be what I want but exactly what I need. I also need to be open to allowing myself to be the real me, free of the walls I put up to keep people from hurting me. I have to be willing to be my authentic self, even at the beginning.
Now I’ve never actually said this out loud or wrote this out because I was completely scared that once I say it I will then have to live by it. But here is where there is more pressure. I actually asked God if I could give it a timeline to be a better option. So now it is time to put my money where my mouth is. I have to do my part. That’s the hard part since I often start strong and then when I get discouraged I teeter off. But I have to give it my best. Just like when I had my eye on college. I have to give it everything, and I may not get the outcome I want but I have to believe that God has the best for me, and if it doesn’t turn out the way I thought it’s because what I get is that much greater. Let's see how it goes.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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