Backslide- An Honest Moment

 Dear Diary,

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Why do I keep getting my hopes up? Why? It just seems like there is no hope for me. I’m not going to experience actual true love. Why can’t I just accept that? My life isn’t that bad. In fact for a single woman, it’s pretty good.

Sometimes I just want to scream, what’s wrong with me? Everyone, EVERYONE is pairing off two by two. Marriage, engagement, anniversaries, babies, that’s all I see. So then what is my response. To shut it all out, go into my own little hibernation. It just seems easier than being depressed. I need to hit something, I’m so frustrated!!! And I’m trying really, really, really not to do what I always do and that’s become angry with God. Because if truth be told I have gotten a little bit lax on my commitment to Him. So perhaps it’s my fault. I’m gonna be honest diary. I just want to give up. This whole thing seems like a wild goose chase. No amount of crying, complaining, longing, or trying seems to be helping me. I’ve been banging my head against the wall and I think I’ve finally broken the skin. 

But this is my pattern isn’t it. Start out good and not finish. Quit mid way, I do it with my weight, I do it with my God. No, I’m not quitting this time. I’m not going to just roll over and play dead, not this time. I’m going to at least finish what I started. That means I need to reset and move forward. Repent for my shortcomings and move forward. Refocus on what is really important and that is my relationship with God. I can’t forget what this is all about. It’s about building a stronger relationship with God. Because the reality is, I don’t want to get to the other side of this, and still be unhappy. I don’t want to get everything that I prayed for and still feel alone. I don’t want to have everything I ever wanted and still feel empty. The only way that is not going to happen is when I surrender to the fact that God is more than enough. And I can’t do that when I am half committing to our relationship. Seriously though, how am I supposed to be in an actual relationship when I can’t even commit to God for more than 2 months. So I reset today. 

Love,

THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN