Reflections on the Past Year
Dear Diary,
So it is getting pretty close to my birthday time. Each year as I get closer and closer to acknowledging that I'm one year older, I take the opportunity to reflect and acknowledge all of the lessons I've learned.
This past year was a ridiculously hard year. I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and honestly being unhappy. No one really knew the extent of my sadness. I tried to put on a good face for everyone since the reality is that people are uncomfortable by sadness. They don’t know how to handle it so they will eventually just abandon you. So to keep the friends that I do have, I kept the sadness to myself and wrote it in my journals. But the truth is I spent most of this past year under the cloud of sadness and depression. I got my first tastes of failure and didn’t know how to handle it. I got another taste of rejection and I could not deal. I harbor unrequited love for a person that I know will never love me or it can never work out. I had to cut off friends that mean the world to me. I didn’t reach my weight loss goals. I struggled with being overwhelmed at work. In fact I completely lacked motivation. I felt all alone 90% of the time. All of my friends are getting married or dating and once again here I am completely single and all alone. I don’t feel connected to my church home and I kind of just feel like I’m wandering around in the wilderness.
But I never spoke about it. I kept it all in. The truth is what I really long for is a life that is truly pleasing to God that I ENJOY. That word is so small but it holds so much meaning. Enjoy…I haven’t enjoyed my life in years. I don’t have fun anymore. I’m actually starting to wonder if I even remember what fun is. I’m in this constant holding pattern, waiting for the next best thing and never fully enjoying the present, the moments, the now.
I hate that I have to say this, because I feel like people say this all of the time, and they really don’t mean it. But this is going to be my year. However, I’m going to change that thought just a bit. I could say this is my year, I’m going to really get it right and be on one accord with God. But I’ll say this instead, this year, I will work to actually cultivate a relationship with my savior, God and love. Which means there will be ups and downs, frustrations, lulls, everything that comes along with having a relationship and I’m going to accept that, and push through it.
I could say that this is going to be my year when I’m a better friend. But seriously what does that even mean? Okay instead I’m going to say this, this is the year when I actually let my friends get to know me. I’m going to actually be transparent. And those that are still standing at the end, well those will be my real friends.
I could say this is going to be the year that I’m successful at work. Blah, that’s boring. How about this instead. This year I’m going to actually try things that will perfect my craft. Whether I’m successful or not, I want to get better at my job.
And the big kahuna, this is going to be my year when I fall in love. I could say that. Did you hear my laughter? I’m going to say this, this will be the year that I work toward love. Whatever that may mean. I’m just not sure yet.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
So it is getting pretty close to my birthday time. Each year as I get closer and closer to acknowledging that I'm one year older, I take the opportunity to reflect and acknowledge all of the lessons I've learned.
This past year was a ridiculously hard year. I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and honestly being unhappy. No one really knew the extent of my sadness. I tried to put on a good face for everyone since the reality is that people are uncomfortable by sadness. They don’t know how to handle it so they will eventually just abandon you. So to keep the friends that I do have, I kept the sadness to myself and wrote it in my journals. But the truth is I spent most of this past year under the cloud of sadness and depression. I got my first tastes of failure and didn’t know how to handle it. I got another taste of rejection and I could not deal. I harbor unrequited love for a person that I know will never love me or it can never work out. I had to cut off friends that mean the world to me. I didn’t reach my weight loss goals. I struggled with being overwhelmed at work. In fact I completely lacked motivation. I felt all alone 90% of the time. All of my friends are getting married or dating and once again here I am completely single and all alone. I don’t feel connected to my church home and I kind of just feel like I’m wandering around in the wilderness.
But I never spoke about it. I kept it all in. The truth is what I really long for is a life that is truly pleasing to God that I ENJOY. That word is so small but it holds so much meaning. Enjoy…I haven’t enjoyed my life in years. I don’t have fun anymore. I’m actually starting to wonder if I even remember what fun is. I’m in this constant holding pattern, waiting for the next best thing and never fully enjoying the present, the moments, the now.
I hate that I have to say this, because I feel like people say this all of the time, and they really don’t mean it. But this is going to be my year. However, I’m going to change that thought just a bit. I could say this is my year, I’m going to really get it right and be on one accord with God. But I’ll say this instead, this year, I will work to actually cultivate a relationship with my savior, God and love. Which means there will be ups and downs, frustrations, lulls, everything that comes along with having a relationship and I’m going to accept that, and push through it.
I could say that this is going to be my year when I’m a better friend. But seriously what does that even mean? Okay instead I’m going to say this, this is the year when I actually let my friends get to know me. I’m going to actually be transparent. And those that are still standing at the end, well those will be my real friends.
I could say this is going to be the year that I’m successful at work. Blah, that’s boring. How about this instead. This year I’m going to actually try things that will perfect my craft. Whether I’m successful or not, I want to get better at my job.
And the big kahuna, this is going to be my year when I fall in love. I could say that. Did you hear my laughter? I’m going to say this, this will be the year that I work toward love. Whatever that may mean. I’m just not sure yet.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
Comments
Post a Comment