Unbridled Happiness and Overwhelming Despair
Dear Diary,
Can I tell you about an interesting day I had? On this day, not one but 2 of my friends got engaged, and BONUS I found all of this out while picking up my bridesmaids dress for my cousin’s wedding!!!! Can we talk about blow to the ego. So just like all the rest of the times that I experience this, the familiar emotions of unbridled happiness for my friends and overwhelming despair for my own situation consumed me.
I was driving while all of this happened, and more than anything I just wanted to talk to someone. You ever get that feeling that you just need a sounding board. You need someone to validate what you are feeling? So I called the usual suspects. I couldn’t call my mentors because I had just left work and they were handling other things. One of my friends was out of town and couldn’t talk. Another was dealing with the “hardships” of motherhood. I made phone call after phone call and my friends either didn’t pick up or they were busy. And just like that I felt completely and utterly alone. I burst into tears at the realization that I had to deal with this, the conflicting emotions, the turmoil, the pain, the confusion, by myself again.
As I was crying, I looked up at the Lord. I said, “Lord, I’m alone. You’ve isolated me. I have no one. Why is it that everyone can have a safe place and I have no one? I’m calling out to you and you do nothing to comfort me. So I reach for all these things all of these people that might help me feel better and you don’t let me have that either.” (As you can tell I'm a tad bit dramatic) I wept and wept and wept and wept. But I know my pattern. When I feel alone, I reach for things that seem secure or safe. Whether it’s an old flame, a friend, someone who will just stroke my ego but I wouldn’t really classify them as a friend. I need the security. I long for the safe place. I know I’m not the only one. I just can’t understand why God wouldn’t allow me to have it.
I was able to get onto one of my oldest friends. In talking to this person I realized that they don’t know me at all anymore. Even that familiarity was ripped away from me and I found myself feeling worse.
I was reading my devotion, “When God Doesn’t Make Sense” and it said that comfort doesn’t mean what we think it means. It’s gotten distorted over time. Comfort actually means together strength. So it’s not that the struggle or the pain is removed, it is that you go through it together. Seemed a bit counter intuitive since I was crying out that I was alone. But I wasn’t alone, was I? I think that perhaps God I looking for me to lean on Him. That He is supposed to be my safe place. It seems so simple, but let’s be clear it’s not. Especially when the deepest longing of my heart seems to be a spouse. How do I get to a place where I long for the safety and security of the Lord more than any man, or anyone else for that matter?
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
Can I tell you about an interesting day I had? On this day, not one but 2 of my friends got engaged, and BONUS I found all of this out while picking up my bridesmaids dress for my cousin’s wedding!!!! Can we talk about blow to the ego. So just like all the rest of the times that I experience this, the familiar emotions of unbridled happiness for my friends and overwhelming despair for my own situation consumed me.
I was driving while all of this happened, and more than anything I just wanted to talk to someone. You ever get that feeling that you just need a sounding board. You need someone to validate what you are feeling? So I called the usual suspects. I couldn’t call my mentors because I had just left work and they were handling other things. One of my friends was out of town and couldn’t talk. Another was dealing with the “hardships” of motherhood. I made phone call after phone call and my friends either didn’t pick up or they were busy. And just like that I felt completely and utterly alone. I burst into tears at the realization that I had to deal with this, the conflicting emotions, the turmoil, the pain, the confusion, by myself again.
As I was crying, I looked up at the Lord. I said, “Lord, I’m alone. You’ve isolated me. I have no one. Why is it that everyone can have a safe place and I have no one? I’m calling out to you and you do nothing to comfort me. So I reach for all these things all of these people that might help me feel better and you don’t let me have that either.” (As you can tell I'm a tad bit dramatic) I wept and wept and wept and wept. But I know my pattern. When I feel alone, I reach for things that seem secure or safe. Whether it’s an old flame, a friend, someone who will just stroke my ego but I wouldn’t really classify them as a friend. I need the security. I long for the safe place. I know I’m not the only one. I just can’t understand why God wouldn’t allow me to have it.
I was able to get onto one of my oldest friends. In talking to this person I realized that they don’t know me at all anymore. Even that familiarity was ripped away from me and I found myself feeling worse.
I was reading my devotion, “When God Doesn’t Make Sense” and it said that comfort doesn’t mean what we think it means. It’s gotten distorted over time. Comfort actually means together strength. So it’s not that the struggle or the pain is removed, it is that you go through it together. Seemed a bit counter intuitive since I was crying out that I was alone. But I wasn’t alone, was I? I think that perhaps God I looking for me to lean on Him. That He is supposed to be my safe place. It seems so simple, but let’s be clear it’s not. Especially when the deepest longing of my heart seems to be a spouse. How do I get to a place where I long for the safety and security of the Lord more than any man, or anyone else for that matter?
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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