My Safe Place Was Unsafe
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I was talking to my mentor. The thing is we have a fantastic relationship, with honesty and transparency, however, she is still my boss. Yesterday, she noticed that I was a bit down and I shared with her that I finished my first year in my new leadership role and honestly, I felt like I wasn’t doing a good job. I felt like I was just limping along faking it until I make it. I don’t know how the conversation turned but I ended up talking to her about some of the emotional scarring I was still dealing with from my previous supervisor leaving. We have a family dynamic at my job, so my supervisor leaving felt like abandonment. She left a lot of destruction in her wake too, but what I expressed most is that she stole from me a future with an organization that I was looking forward to. I have my dream job. I think this job was designed specifically for me, my gifts and talents. I love what I do, and I’ve always felt it was more than a job for me, it is my calling. I have a boss that wants to see me succeed and invests in me. I have a team that works hard and is talented, but it hasn’t been the same since she left.
My boss, my previous supervisor and I were the 3 musketeers. The three sides of an equilateral triangle (the strongest geometric shape there is) No matter what happened (and a lot happened over the years), we’d conquer and take the hill together. She was my friend and my big sister. It took me many years, but I trusted her completely…But she left, and didn’t look back. She said things about me to other people that targeted my deepest vulnerabilities, because she was privy to some of the intimate details of my life. Her exit rocked my world and annihilated my trust in people for a while. There are probably some residual trust issues now. Basically, it wasn’t a good look.
So, with all of that, this idea that if something ever happened to our big boss, she and I would continue to build on the foundation that has already been established basically disintegrated in my hands. Now I look at the future and see nothing but me standing alone trying to hold everything together. And who would want that? The future journey that I was excited to take, I now dread. The person that I trusted to run with me was the very person who stuck their leg out and tripped me up, and I feel like I sprained my proverbial ankle but still have to keep running. As someone who truly cherishes my alone time, I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I needed one other person to feel like I could take on the world. I think what it boiled down to is that she became the closest thing to my safe place and suddenly, my safe place became unsafe.
But what is a safe place? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’ve always longed for one. I don’t talk much and I’m typically a private person (although this blog would suggest otherwise) but I’ve always wanted someplace where you could be yourself completely unashamed. Where you can laugh, cry, yell, whisper, or even just sit in silence. Where there’s another person who can pray for you and speak life into your situations.
Is my safe place my mentor? Kinda, we can talk about things, but I mean she still is my boss. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to always dump my emotional baggage on her, when it’s my job to make things easier for her and she has to run a whole organization. So, there are times when I feel the need to just hold back, in an effort to protect her.
Is my safe place my best friend? Sorta, it’s a challenge because my best friend lives on the other side of the world, literally. And while I think we do an amazing job communicating, keeping in touch and being there for one another, there are limitations when you only get to SEE your best friend once or twice a year.
Is my safe place an anonymous blog where I share my random thoughts and tangents into a cybernetic void, where no one responds? (you’ll can comment if you’d like lol) Maybe. Or is my safe place the arms of my Heavenly Father? I’d love to say yes completely to that, as the Bible talks about it very specifically about it. Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth in into it and is safe” or 2 Samuel 22:23 “my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior…” But I don’t know about you. Sometimes I just don’t feel like that’s enough. I’ve never had any trouble venting to the Lord, but sometimes I just want a hug or an auditory response. Then of course there is the idea that if I get another safe place, it could become unsafe again. Since God is the only one who’s never failed me yet, perhaps I should build my safe place in Him. I keep going back and forth on this one. Have you found a safe place?
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
Yesterday I was talking to my mentor. The thing is we have a fantastic relationship, with honesty and transparency, however, she is still my boss. Yesterday, she noticed that I was a bit down and I shared with her that I finished my first year in my new leadership role and honestly, I felt like I wasn’t doing a good job. I felt like I was just limping along faking it until I make it. I don’t know how the conversation turned but I ended up talking to her about some of the emotional scarring I was still dealing with from my previous supervisor leaving. We have a family dynamic at my job, so my supervisor leaving felt like abandonment. She left a lot of destruction in her wake too, but what I expressed most is that she stole from me a future with an organization that I was looking forward to. I have my dream job. I think this job was designed specifically for me, my gifts and talents. I love what I do, and I’ve always felt it was more than a job for me, it is my calling. I have a boss that wants to see me succeed and invests in me. I have a team that works hard and is talented, but it hasn’t been the same since she left.
My boss, my previous supervisor and I were the 3 musketeers. The three sides of an equilateral triangle (the strongest geometric shape there is) No matter what happened (and a lot happened over the years), we’d conquer and take the hill together. She was my friend and my big sister. It took me many years, but I trusted her completely…But she left, and didn’t look back. She said things about me to other people that targeted my deepest vulnerabilities, because she was privy to some of the intimate details of my life. Her exit rocked my world and annihilated my trust in people for a while. There are probably some residual trust issues now. Basically, it wasn’t a good look.
So, with all of that, this idea that if something ever happened to our big boss, she and I would continue to build on the foundation that has already been established basically disintegrated in my hands. Now I look at the future and see nothing but me standing alone trying to hold everything together. And who would want that? The future journey that I was excited to take, I now dread. The person that I trusted to run with me was the very person who stuck their leg out and tripped me up, and I feel like I sprained my proverbial ankle but still have to keep running. As someone who truly cherishes my alone time, I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I needed one other person to feel like I could take on the world. I think what it boiled down to is that she became the closest thing to my safe place and suddenly, my safe place became unsafe.
But what is a safe place? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’ve always longed for one. I don’t talk much and I’m typically a private person (although this blog would suggest otherwise) but I’ve always wanted someplace where you could be yourself completely unashamed. Where you can laugh, cry, yell, whisper, or even just sit in silence. Where there’s another person who can pray for you and speak life into your situations.
Is my safe place my mentor? Kinda, we can talk about things, but I mean she still is my boss. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to always dump my emotional baggage on her, when it’s my job to make things easier for her and she has to run a whole organization. So, there are times when I feel the need to just hold back, in an effort to protect her.
Is my safe place my best friend? Sorta, it’s a challenge because my best friend lives on the other side of the world, literally. And while I think we do an amazing job communicating, keeping in touch and being there for one another, there are limitations when you only get to SEE your best friend once or twice a year.
Is my safe place an anonymous blog where I share my random thoughts and tangents into a cybernetic void, where no one responds? (you’ll can comment if you’d like lol) Maybe. Or is my safe place the arms of my Heavenly Father? I’d love to say yes completely to that, as the Bible talks about it very specifically about it. Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth in into it and is safe” or 2 Samuel 22:23 “my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior…” But I don’t know about you. Sometimes I just don’t feel like that’s enough. I’ve never had any trouble venting to the Lord, but sometimes I just want a hug or an auditory response. Then of course there is the idea that if I get another safe place, it could become unsafe again. Since God is the only one who’s never failed me yet, perhaps I should build my safe place in Him. I keep going back and forth on this one. Have you found a safe place?
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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