Numb is an Emotion
Dear Diary,
You ever just feel numb? I know it’s not the typical emotion that you see on any emotion graph but for me it’s as real as happy or sad. I just feel nothing. Almost like I’m drifting aimlessly on the ocean. Not bothering anything but not effecting any kind of change either. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even dream anymore. My conscious and subconscious has gone blank.
I used to watch Vampire Diaries, and in the show they have this interesting concept. Because the emotions of vampires are so heightened, when it gets to be too much, they can shut off their human emotions. One would think that would be helpful, but they don’t feel the good or the bad. And it also often leads to more trouble than ever.
Perhaps that is where I’ve gotten so that I can function in the busy season of my life. I no longer want to be disappointed about my single season. I don’t want to be scared that something is seriously wrong with my body because of poor choices I made. I don’t want to feel angry at myself that I can’t seem to get the discipline necessary to actually be on a path to healthy living and losing weight. I don’t want to deal with the jealousy that could consume me when I observe that all my friends seem to finally be getting the life I want. I don't want to feel the sadness from the sting of betrayal and the abandonment of a friend I trusted who did the most damage. I don’t want to keep asking the question, what is wrong with me, why can't I just be happy? But most of all I don’t want to deal with my true feelings that I’m mad at God because He doesn’t seem to hear or want to hear me when I speak or cry out to Him. Or I feel like He doesn’t care that all these feeling swirl around daily. That each day I grow more and more angry and fed up. His precious golden child, the one with all that potential and nothing to show for it. I’m doing it right and I get nothing. NOTHING! Who wants those emotions swirling around inside. Doesn’t it just seem safer to be numb? Numb helps me function. How am I supposed to enjoy my life if all those emotions rotate, wave after wave washes over me? I’m 33. I’m tired. How am I supposed to change the world, when I don’t even want to change myself?
My mentor suggested I draw closer to God. Do you know what my first thought was? Why? I gave up my life to serve, what more does He want from me? Ugh, I want to scream. Flail my fists, hit something. And yes this might happen every time I get closer to my birthday (as my mentor pointed out) but maybe that’s because another year has started and I’m in the same place. Year after year after year, time is moving and I’m standing still…
But then I had this thought, God not only our cure for sorrow. He’s also our source of restoration to wholeness in every aspect of our lives. But sometimes it just seems like I can't get to Him. I can't get to that pool of living water that is supposed to fill me up. It's almost like I'm drowning in a desert. So today I prayed this prayer: "My Lord who heals, you’ve made me brand new in so many ways already. I humbly ask you to continue to heal me from my sorrow, hard heart, fears, control issues and self-destructive ways. Amen"
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
You ever just feel numb? I know it’s not the typical emotion that you see on any emotion graph but for me it’s as real as happy or sad. I just feel nothing. Almost like I’m drifting aimlessly on the ocean. Not bothering anything but not effecting any kind of change either. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even dream anymore. My conscious and subconscious has gone blank.
I used to watch Vampire Diaries, and in the show they have this interesting concept. Because the emotions of vampires are so heightened, when it gets to be too much, they can shut off their human emotions. One would think that would be helpful, but they don’t feel the good or the bad. And it also often leads to more trouble than ever.
Perhaps that is where I’ve gotten so that I can function in the busy season of my life. I no longer want to be disappointed about my single season. I don’t want to be scared that something is seriously wrong with my body because of poor choices I made. I don’t want to feel angry at myself that I can’t seem to get the discipline necessary to actually be on a path to healthy living and losing weight. I don’t want to deal with the jealousy that could consume me when I observe that all my friends seem to finally be getting the life I want. I don't want to feel the sadness from the sting of betrayal and the abandonment of a friend I trusted who did the most damage. I don’t want to keep asking the question, what is wrong with me, why can't I just be happy? But most of all I don’t want to deal with my true feelings that I’m mad at God because He doesn’t seem to hear or want to hear me when I speak or cry out to Him. Or I feel like He doesn’t care that all these feeling swirl around daily. That each day I grow more and more angry and fed up. His precious golden child, the one with all that potential and nothing to show for it. I’m doing it right and I get nothing. NOTHING! Who wants those emotions swirling around inside. Doesn’t it just seem safer to be numb? Numb helps me function. How am I supposed to enjoy my life if all those emotions rotate, wave after wave washes over me? I’m 33. I’m tired. How am I supposed to change the world, when I don’t even want to change myself?
My mentor suggested I draw closer to God. Do you know what my first thought was? Why? I gave up my life to serve, what more does He want from me? Ugh, I want to scream. Flail my fists, hit something. And yes this might happen every time I get closer to my birthday (as my mentor pointed out) but maybe that’s because another year has started and I’m in the same place. Year after year after year, time is moving and I’m standing still…
But then I had this thought, God not only our cure for sorrow. He’s also our source of restoration to wholeness in every aspect of our lives. But sometimes it just seems like I can't get to Him. I can't get to that pool of living water that is supposed to fill me up. It's almost like I'm drowning in a desert. So today I prayed this prayer: "My Lord who heals, you’ve made me brand new in so many ways already. I humbly ask you to continue to heal me from my sorrow, hard heart, fears, control issues and self-destructive ways. Amen"
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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