The Crippling Fear of Failure
Dear Diary,
When I was growing up, I had this drive to succeed at everything, I mean absolutely everything. Every competition, every show, every classroom, every tournament, every assignment; I had to be the best. I had to win. But as people started to see that drive, and also see that I had the talent to win, they started encouraging and eventually expecting me to always succeed. Now just a small disclaimer diary, it's not really their fault; I'm a ham and I encouraged and relished the attention. But do you ever notice with competitions and shows, and classrooms, and tournaments, and assignments that as you grow older, the stakes get higher? There is a lot more to gain and a whole lot more to lose. And then everyone is somehow counting on you to succeed. By the time I got to high school, I lived in a pressure filled bubble of high stakes and expectations. But you know what I thrived in that environment. I pushed me to be better, work harder and to succeed. And for a very long time, I was successful at everything I tried.
But as you know you can't win them all. Yeah I still remember one of the first times I failed at something. It is obviously not the last time I failed but for some reason this time sticks out to me. I was in college, freshman year, the weather was cold but the anticipation of prelim season (that's what they call tests in my college) was in the air. I was taking a prelim for one of my Psych classes and I'd studied for 2 whole weeks, so I knew I was prepared. Before college I never had to study, I listened, did my homework and I'd get an A+. So I took the test and my results came back... drumroll please... I got a C. The world around me collapsed. Everything got dark. I couldn't breathe. I was outraged, I couldn't get a C. I'd never seen a curved letter on a test paper in my life. I called my dad and cried... Hello my name is THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN AND I AM A DRAMA QUEEN. I know I was being dramatic but that was devastating to me. I told my dad, I was gonna drop out and not waste any more money on education as it could only go downhill from there (obviously a huge overreaction). My dad of course told me to stop overreacting, but here it the thing, for someone who had never really failed at anything, that was complete failure. I wasn't prepared to fail. I didn't know how to fail, and I certainly didn't know how to fail well. I'd fallen off my high horse and I was afraid to get back on...no actually I was afraid of falling off again.
So once I got knocked off my perfect little pedestal, I began the long journey of trying to regain my bearings. I started overcompensating for this overwhelming fear of failure that I'd somehow developed overnight. But the thing was, I was rocked to my core. The stakes kept getting higher, I worked harder but I kept second guessing myself. What if I failed again? What if I disappointed my parents, the people counting on me, myself? I couldn't bear that thought, so I would take a step out, second guess myself and hesitate. I froze like a proverbial statue, too often missing opportunities that could've taken me higher. I had been fearless, but my child-like faith was forever gone, tarnished by one setback after another. Soon I found myself not trying things unless I was almost certain I would be good at it. But the stakes kept getting higher and higher. Now working in full time ministry, not only can I mess up someones life but their eternal too? The pressure...can you feel it?
My first couple of years in ministry, I really struggled to step on faith. My mentor noticed it and I asked me where it came from. I told her and she suggested I look at it another way. She said, "no offense but this is not about you. You are not the determining factor in God's overall plan. This is God's mission and plan for your life. He's not surprised by what talents you have; He gave them to you. He's not surprised by your limitations: He gave those to you too. You have to allow Him to supply the provision for His mission and when things don't work, ask Him to show you why, get the advice/feedback of those who have done it before you, learn from it and move on. There's too much to do anyway to worry about yesterday's missteps."
I thought about that for a long time. God's provision will sometimes include me, and imperfect vessel, but Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I think most of the time we focus on the I can do part and not the Christ who strengthens me part. If God gave me a purpose and I believe that, then His strength will allow me to do all the things necessary to complete it, even if there are setbacks along the way.
One of my friends is always telling me, you learn so much more from losing than you do from winning. And my dad, the king of cliches, always tells me a setback is a set up for a comeback. So I'm learning in every failure there is a potential lesson, probably that I needed to learn in order to truly fulfill my purpose. I still struggle with fear of failure daily, but when I do I simply recite, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and keep on pushing.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
When I was growing up, I had this drive to succeed at everything, I mean absolutely everything. Every competition, every show, every classroom, every tournament, every assignment; I had to be the best. I had to win. But as people started to see that drive, and also see that I had the talent to win, they started encouraging and eventually expecting me to always succeed. Now just a small disclaimer diary, it's not really their fault; I'm a ham and I encouraged and relished the attention. But do you ever notice with competitions and shows, and classrooms, and tournaments, and assignments that as you grow older, the stakes get higher? There is a lot more to gain and a whole lot more to lose. And then everyone is somehow counting on you to succeed. By the time I got to high school, I lived in a pressure filled bubble of high stakes and expectations. But you know what I thrived in that environment. I pushed me to be better, work harder and to succeed. And for a very long time, I was successful at everything I tried.
But as you know you can't win them all. Yeah I still remember one of the first times I failed at something. It is obviously not the last time I failed but for some reason this time sticks out to me. I was in college, freshman year, the weather was cold but the anticipation of prelim season (that's what they call tests in my college) was in the air. I was taking a prelim for one of my Psych classes and I'd studied for 2 whole weeks, so I knew I was prepared. Before college I never had to study, I listened, did my homework and I'd get an A+. So I took the test and my results came back... drumroll please... I got a C. The world around me collapsed. Everything got dark. I couldn't breathe. I was outraged, I couldn't get a C. I'd never seen a curved letter on a test paper in my life. I called my dad and cried... Hello my name is THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN AND I AM A DRAMA QUEEN. I know I was being dramatic but that was devastating to me. I told my dad, I was gonna drop out and not waste any more money on education as it could only go downhill from there (obviously a huge overreaction). My dad of course told me to stop overreacting, but here it the thing, for someone who had never really failed at anything, that was complete failure. I wasn't prepared to fail. I didn't know how to fail, and I certainly didn't know how to fail well. I'd fallen off my high horse and I was afraid to get back on...no actually I was afraid of falling off again.
So once I got knocked off my perfect little pedestal, I began the long journey of trying to regain my bearings. I started overcompensating for this overwhelming fear of failure that I'd somehow developed overnight. But the thing was, I was rocked to my core. The stakes kept getting higher, I worked harder but I kept second guessing myself. What if I failed again? What if I disappointed my parents, the people counting on me, myself? I couldn't bear that thought, so I would take a step out, second guess myself and hesitate. I froze like a proverbial statue, too often missing opportunities that could've taken me higher. I had been fearless, but my child-like faith was forever gone, tarnished by one setback after another. Soon I found myself not trying things unless I was almost certain I would be good at it. But the stakes kept getting higher and higher. Now working in full time ministry, not only can I mess up someones life but their eternal too? The pressure...can you feel it?
My first couple of years in ministry, I really struggled to step on faith. My mentor noticed it and I asked me where it came from. I told her and she suggested I look at it another way. She said, "no offense but this is not about you. You are not the determining factor in God's overall plan. This is God's mission and plan for your life. He's not surprised by what talents you have; He gave them to you. He's not surprised by your limitations: He gave those to you too. You have to allow Him to supply the provision for His mission and when things don't work, ask Him to show you why, get the advice/feedback of those who have done it before you, learn from it and move on. There's too much to do anyway to worry about yesterday's missteps."
I thought about that for a long time. God's provision will sometimes include me, and imperfect vessel, but Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I think most of the time we focus on the I can do part and not the Christ who strengthens me part. If God gave me a purpose and I believe that, then His strength will allow me to do all the things necessary to complete it, even if there are setbacks along the way.
One of my friends is always telling me, you learn so much more from losing than you do from winning. And my dad, the king of cliches, always tells me a setback is a set up for a comeback. So I'm learning in every failure there is a potential lesson, probably that I needed to learn in order to truly fulfill my purpose. I still struggle with fear of failure daily, but when I do I simply recite, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and keep on pushing.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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