Clarity
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since I've posted but so much has happened in the past couple of weeks. My birthday passed. I successfully completed a major event and I got some clarity on a few romantic relationships in my life.
I think this concept of clarity is what has been driving me since I reached my birthday. In the past, I was content to just stay in a fantasy world of not knowing. Not knowing or admitting how I felt about things, not knowing how guys felt about me. It almost seemed easier to be confused or in a metaphorical fog. The hope that something could happen or the dream of the best case scenario was enough. I didn't want to rock the boat. Cloudy was comfortable.
But something happened when I reflected on another year. I realized that, this way of living that I had grown accustomed to, wasn't really living at all. I was trapped in my own fantasy world, which is not healthy. So I started to tackle things head on. First up, someone who I know cares a great deal about me. We had been friends for years, and we get along great, but I just never really felt romantically toward him. My friends asked me a question that I hadn't considered. Have you actually tried with him? Have you kept an open mind or are you sabotaging yourself? I considered it and I made a decision. I kept an open mind and actively tried. I spent time with him, in my space, with my family and friends and alone. I came to the conclusion, I just wasn't feeling it. It was clear as day, this just wasn't for me. I don't know why it never occurred to me to do this before. I think in the back of my mind, he was always my plan B. And that's not fair to him. I think everyone deserves to be someone's plan A. And so I told him that, and prepared myself to lose a friend so that he could find his plan A.
Then came the next phase, I had to get clarity when it came to my dream guy. This is guy that I compare all other guys to. He's cute, smart, funny, charismatic, charming, I could go on and on. He's a family friend so I've known him my whole life. He's older, so for years he just seemed out of my league. But in the past couple of years, we've hung out and it's become more and more evident that I'm not the same little girl I once was. But then came the moment where I had to find out if he saw me as an option for a romantic relationship. Terrified of the outcome, I asked. And I got my answer. He doesn't see me in that way. He sees me as a good friend, practically family. And so the tables have turned. I liked him and he wasn't feeling it. The part that stings the most is that I've felt this way about this man since I was a pre-teen. In my mind, there was always hope and now with this new found clarity, the dream just died.
But you know what, I think it's better to know. With this information I can make decisions about my behavior and about steps that I want to take. I was talking to my friend yesterday about it and she asked me what I was going to do. I'll tell you what I told her. I said I'm going to give myself time to grieve. I'm sad... and that's okay. And I'm going to use this to inspire me. I want to channel all these emotions into positive creative energy. I went for a run this morning, I started writing again and I decided to draw a bit too. I have the capacity to spiral, but I'm not going to let this set back crush me. Being sad is not the issue, feeling completely defeated, helpless or worthless are the problems. I'm not any of those things. I'm simply disappointed that the outcome I was expecting didn't happen. And that's okay. I will feel better. When God shuts a door, he often opens another one and thus I'm just waiting to walk through my new open door.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
It's been a while since I've posted but so much has happened in the past couple of weeks. My birthday passed. I successfully completed a major event and I got some clarity on a few romantic relationships in my life.
I think this concept of clarity is what has been driving me since I reached my birthday. In the past, I was content to just stay in a fantasy world of not knowing. Not knowing or admitting how I felt about things, not knowing how guys felt about me. It almost seemed easier to be confused or in a metaphorical fog. The hope that something could happen or the dream of the best case scenario was enough. I didn't want to rock the boat. Cloudy was comfortable.
But something happened when I reflected on another year. I realized that, this way of living that I had grown accustomed to, wasn't really living at all. I was trapped in my own fantasy world, which is not healthy. So I started to tackle things head on. First up, someone who I know cares a great deal about me. We had been friends for years, and we get along great, but I just never really felt romantically toward him. My friends asked me a question that I hadn't considered. Have you actually tried with him? Have you kept an open mind or are you sabotaging yourself? I considered it and I made a decision. I kept an open mind and actively tried. I spent time with him, in my space, with my family and friends and alone. I came to the conclusion, I just wasn't feeling it. It was clear as day, this just wasn't for me. I don't know why it never occurred to me to do this before. I think in the back of my mind, he was always my plan B. And that's not fair to him. I think everyone deserves to be someone's plan A. And so I told him that, and prepared myself to lose a friend so that he could find his plan A.
Then came the next phase, I had to get clarity when it came to my dream guy. This is guy that I compare all other guys to. He's cute, smart, funny, charismatic, charming, I could go on and on. He's a family friend so I've known him my whole life. He's older, so for years he just seemed out of my league. But in the past couple of years, we've hung out and it's become more and more evident that I'm not the same little girl I once was. But then came the moment where I had to find out if he saw me as an option for a romantic relationship. Terrified of the outcome, I asked. And I got my answer. He doesn't see me in that way. He sees me as a good friend, practically family. And so the tables have turned. I liked him and he wasn't feeling it. The part that stings the most is that I've felt this way about this man since I was a pre-teen. In my mind, there was always hope and now with this new found clarity, the dream just died.
But you know what, I think it's better to know. With this information I can make decisions about my behavior and about steps that I want to take. I was talking to my friend yesterday about it and she asked me what I was going to do. I'll tell you what I told her. I said I'm going to give myself time to grieve. I'm sad... and that's okay. And I'm going to use this to inspire me. I want to channel all these emotions into positive creative energy. I went for a run this morning, I started writing again and I decided to draw a bit too. I have the capacity to spiral, but I'm not going to let this set back crush me. Being sad is not the issue, feeling completely defeated, helpless or worthless are the problems. I'm not any of those things. I'm simply disappointed that the outcome I was expecting didn't happen. And that's okay. I will feel better. When God shuts a door, he often opens another one and thus I'm just waiting to walk through my new open door.
Love,
THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN
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