I Lost Hope for Just a Second

Dear Diary,

I think I’ve lost hope. I think I’ve actually lost hope that I anyone will find and want to be with me. No, I think I should be more specific, I think I’ve lost hope that the RIGHT one will find and want to be with me. I’m tired. I’m tired of doing the right thing and getting no results. I’m tired of watching everyone pair off two by two like this is Noah’s Ark. I’m tired of shutting off a very intricate part of who I am, the sexual part. I’m just tired of pretending like it’s all okay all the time, that I’m strong and stable and good. I’m not good, I’m tired.

I came to this realization that I’ve lost hope when I reflected on my vacation. So this New Year I did something that I haven’t done since I re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I made out with and almost had sex with a stranger. Okay a couple of things to consider here. The brother was absolutely GORGEOUS!!! I also went on my vacation with the goal that I was going to do something spontaneous like kiss a stranger. So, when this opportunity presented itself it seemed like the perfect set up to start my new year fresh and unlike any other year, because if you do that same thing and expect different results that’s crazy. Every other year, I spent my new years in church, but that hasn’t seemed to make me any less single. So I tried something different. My friend and I went out we had a good time. I had met this guy the day before and I was immediately attracted to him. We had talked earlier in the day so it seemed like why not, YOLO right? But as things started to get hot and heavy, I remembered my long term goals, I wanted to get married. I wanted to meet the guy who is perfect for me, who God set aside just for me. I wanted when we got together, that I would be able go give him the special gift of my body and not have the guilt of knowing that a bunch of other randos had gotten that gift as well. Yes I wanted all of those things, but my body also wanted the stranger to keep touching me, or kissing me until I saw through space and time. I wanted to feel sexy, desired and wanted. I hadn’t felt that in a very long time. I wanted it. And thus, the internal struggle began.

I’m grateful I can say that the long term wants won out in this battle as I decided not to go all the way with the stranger. But after vacation, as I returned to my regularly scheduled program, I couldn’t shake the memories, I couldn’t shake the pent up desires that had lain dormant for years which all of sudden started oozing out. I couldn’t shake the thoughts that maybe I had made a mistake and I should have seized the moment. And that’s when it hit me. I don’t actually think this is going to happen for me. I’m no longer entertaining the thought that I too will get my happy ending anymore. I don’t care to be disappointed anymore. I can’t deal with the pain of knowing another year will pass and I’ll still be alone. That is why I would even consider, going back to “finish what I started,”(yes I considered it, I even looked up ticket prices). I’m losing hope. Ironically enough, my devotion today was about putting my hope fully in the Lord. And I realized this year that is going to be tough for me, because I thought I did that and I still have nothing to show for it.  I feel myself spiraling downward into negativity and consequently sin. After New Year’s I tried some different approaches with men when I went out and I was successful, albeit not the way I really wanted to be. Getting numbers, flirting, getting “those” invitations, you know the ones I’m talking about is not me but the idea of going another year the same way, completely terrifies me. I have no idea what to do.   

Love,

THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN