Failure Fueled My Growth

 Dear Diary,

Where did all this fear come from? When I was younger I was fearless. I mean I was cautious, took my time assessing situations, but once I did I jumped in with both feet. Now in my adulthood, I’m always scared. I’m afraid to fail but afraid to succeed. Who does that? I got this opportunity to enter into a really challenging program. At first, I was excited because it seemed like the kind of challenge that I love to undertake. I needed to see if I could do it. I started reading up on it and the craziest thing happened. The more I read, the more I felt dread and doubt creep into my system. By the end, I had completely psyched myself out. What is wrong with me? I don’t back down from challenges. I don’t think, I can't do things. That self sabotage mentality is not me.

I think in the past years I’ve actually experienced real failure for the first time in my life and it has shaken me to my core. I’ve experienced it in my dating life. I’ve experienced it in my personal life. I’ve experienced it in my professional life. Instead of pushing past it like most people, it has wounded me and caused me to flinch and hesitate every time I anticipate the impending sting of potential failure.  I never in my life thought that I don’t measure up. It never crossed my mind that I’m not the perfect candidate for every situation. That I’m not smart enough, good enough, they won’t want me or someone like me. I never used to think those things, but here I find myself having those very thoughts.

So the Bible says to arrest those thoughts and keep them captive, however I need to put something in its place. Perhaps I should think about this another way. Failure for me was the last piece of my life puzzle. Failure has allowed me to build character in areas of my life where there had been none. I survived failure and I’m better because of it. I’ve dealt with challenges and came out on the other side wiser. I’ve seen success and I’ve seen failure. I’ve seen the darkness and I’ve seen the light. Setbacks and detours have always been for my good. When I thought a door was closing in my face, its often because I missed the door or a better opportunity for my development in God’s purpose. The truth is I just can’t be afraid to fail because that fear keeps me from taking the risk.  I’m going to pray and give this my all. If I don’t make it, it won’t be because I didn’t try. If it doesn’t turn out the way I thought or hoped, it will be because God has something better for me. God has not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind. I need to use all three now.   

Love,

THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN