Spring Cleaning for My Soul

 Dear Diary,

I know it seems like I only write to you when I’m sad or feeling down. Truth be told I’m not as reflective when I’m happy. The thing is I’ve been in a mood for the past 3 or 4 days and I have to figure out why so I can snap out of it.

Today during my devotional time I read about looking clean on the outside while hiding things on the inside. This hit me straight in the heart. Anyone who really knows me knows I’m a bit sneaky. Years of living on the pedestal has taught me how to always fake perfection, simply because perfection is not actually attainable. All the darkest corners of my heart and mind stay hidden while the world sees someone who has it together. That can’t be healthy. I mean think about it, when you don’t clean or pick up after yourself in let’s say your bedroom; when you stick your sweaty gym clothes or discarded dishes just somewhere where no one can see them, eventually their presence is made known. Either via a smell or the eventual running out of hiding space. I think the rank smell of my inner psyche is now beginning to affect my gloriously, albeit fake clean-looking, outer room.

I’m not going to lie, when I challenged myself to really and truly lay this burden/blessing of singleness at the altar, I thought I was done. I thought that as long as I kept my eye on the prize I had cleaned everything out. But no, essentially it’s just like me putting the clean laundry on the bed. I always justify it. I say, it’s clean clothes so it’s not so bad that things are just piling up. Next thing I know, my room looks like a warzone of nothing but “clean” clothes. So essentially, I have two problems here. I have dark dirty corners and I have “clean” clothes that I need to finally put away. I can’t deal with both right now. I’ll deal with the dirt first.

Why can’t I seem to get myself together? Why this constant run around? Why is it that I can’t seem to just face the darkest corners of who I am accept that I have them and give them to God?

Perhaps it’s time for the spring cleaning of my soul. But I have no idea how to even begin. Well, actually that’s not true. This morning, I prayed and I asked God to show me the deepest corners of my heart. The parts of me that I keep hidden from the world. The parts that I’m ashamed to have much less show. And He did. For the first time in a very long time, I faced the real me. I faced the lustful, the liar, the lush. I faced the woman who is indulgent, greedy, prideful, self-entitled, selfish and mean. She had a smug look on her face because she knew that despite all my efforts to keep her hidden, she had been there all along, slowly and silently stinking up my existence. I feel like I looked her in the eye and for the first time in a very long time I realized more than ever why I need God in my life. Why I needed a Savior. As Christians, I think we unintentionally get to a place in our lives where we think we are living so right that we get rid of our need for Christ. We forget that we NEED HIM. I NEED HIM. I’VE ALWAYS NEEDED HIM. I WILL ALWAYS NEED HIM.

The first step for me was facing the corners, admitting that I have them. The perfectionist in me never allowed me to have flaws. So step one facing the truth. On to step two, where Christ and I clean the corners of my life one by one. Then I take the time to put it all away, reconciling relationships, getting clarity on situations where before I had none, speaking my truth in a way that people can accept and transitioning into a better version of myself. It's easier said than done, but every journey begins with a single step. 

Love,

THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN