Labels that Divide Us

 Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking a lot about terms like golden child, or black sheep or red headed stepchild.  What happens when you get cast into a role? When people put labels on who you are? Most of these labels are assigned really early on in life and there is almost a self-fulfilling prophesy associated with them. For most of us we’ve adopted these labels, but the problem is that we resent that we didn’t get the other role, not understanding that each “label” comes with its own set of struggles.

I actually never really wanted to talk about this because I was so certain that people wouldn’t understand where I was coming from. I was cast as the golden child very early in life. People saw something in me that I often don’t really see in myself, simply because I was just trying to be who I am. But after a while, I noticed the label, I accepted the label, I became the label.

I spent years on the performance treadmill. The stakes kept getting higher and higher and I just felt like I had to keep pushing. It’s a lot like lifting weights on a barbell. You start off just pumping iron.  People see how well you’re doing so they keep adding plates to the bar. It’s heavier and heavier but somehow you are still getting this weight up over your head. The crowds gather to see how much you can lift. You have an audience now, they’re all watching in awe, so there is pressure to keep lifting, but it’s so unbelievably heavy. The problem with a space like that is that at some point you buckle under all that weight, but no one, not even you, knows when that moment is going to be.

When I try to explain that to people, I often get in the most sarcastic tones, “oh wow, you’re good at things, people expect you to succeed, that must be so incredibly hard for you.” Or I get cast as the villain when other people they esteem highly, like parents, family members or bosses, compare me to them. Or they resent me when someone talks about my accomplishments, that most of the time, I don’t feel the liberty to share, for those very reasons. So, then I feel ashamed or like I’m ungrateful and I just keep holding the heavy weight on my own. All the while wanting to escape my own existence. Often thinking, hey if I actually didn’t succeed at something, or if I messed up enough, maybe just maybe people would stop expecting so much from me and I could rest.

Labels go both ways you know. My heart goes out to the black sheep of their families as well. They are often talented, creative, amazing but yet somehow no one seems to see it because they’re focused on the golden child. They get compared to their siblings, because somehow whatever their sibling has done has become the standard. How damaging is it to just want to be yourself and be told, either directly or through actions, that who you are isn’t good enough.

My sibling and I had to have a “come to Jesus” moment about our labels. It was probably the best thing to ever happen to our relationship. In that conversation, I said that I resented the fact that they always seemed to get to do what they wanted. They were not afraid to stand up for themselves. But mostly I resented the fact that they looked free. I never felt the freedom to be free from my label. My sibling told me that they resented always being compared to me since they weren’t wired the same way. They resented that the things that interested them weren’t deemed as important. They said that I always looked stressed and unhappy, and they didn’t want to live that way. They didn’t understand that why just being themselves was called being a rebel, since they weren’t trying to be rebellious. Then my sibling said something that pretty much stayed with me forever. They said, “mom and dad aren’t here and we don’t have to play those roles anymore.” What a novel concept.

If the Bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that’s everyone right? Here’s the thing, I’m not saying that life won’t be stressful. Or you won’t have to perform in your job or show up in your relationships. I think what I’m getting at is I don’t have to bear the weight of this label that’s been thrust upon me. As a golden child, I have the freedom to just be me, understanding that God placed in me everything I need, to do what He called me to do on this Earth. I don’t have to live up to the expectations of others, I just have to be obedient to my Savior. To the black sheep, you don’t have to live that role either. You don’t have to isolate or not feel good enough. You are a child of the most high King. Everything God has placed in you is intentional and specific. He took His time making you the way you are, just like He took the time to make your sibling. You are important to Him and more than enough. You have to freedom to shed that label. You’re not a black sheep, you are wanted, loved and special.  The way that we interact with each other, resenting one another, doesn’t have to be our reality. I think if more people took the time to talk about and shed some of the labels we didn’t ask for, the world could be a way more understanding place. Just a thought.

Love,

THE CHRISTIAN SINGLE WOMAN